Life, how short and sweet it is....

I have this obsession with "blogstalking" and I recently stumbled upon a little girl who was about Brock's age, 3 weeks ago her family took her into her pediatrician because she hadn't been eating very well and they found out she had cancer. Today she died. I couldn't imagine having a healthy, happy baby and then three short weeks later to have them taken from you. The thoughts are well, unthinkable. I don't know this family from the man in the moon and I couldn't pick them out of a crowd but I feel heartbroken for them. Not just for the fact that they lost their beautiful little girl, but because of the fact that they don't have the gospel and the knowledge that they will see their precious baby again. When they lay her beautiful, fragile, little body in the ground they will never know that they will be able to see her in her most perfect state one day.

When I was pregnant with Paige it was the most happy moments to me. I found out I was pregnant with her the night that I buried my father, it was a very bittersweet moment because on one hand I was so excited to be carrying a child and on the other hand all I could think about was how my Father had always wanted to be a grandfather and now he would be missing out. I remember like it was yesterday when that little line popped up I walked into the kitchen and showed my mom, she was dancing she was so excited! She called me everday to see how I was doing and we just knew that this baby was sent to us to help us heal from the loss of my daddy.

The day that I went to the doctor's office to check on the baby I remember sitting in the ultrasound room waiting on the doctor and looking at all of the pictures of newborns that he had delivered and then he walked in, looked at my sweet Paige on the ultrasound machine and that is when my world came tumbling down. I remember to this day saying that this just couldn't be. I mean Heavenly Father had already taken my dad, surely he couldn't be taking my baby too! But, it was true.

My mom and Grandma came up from Memphis and that next morning Joe, my mom, and grandma all escorted me to the hospital. I only broke down once when I walked into the delivery room I think that then it hit me that this baby that I had talked to and loved and planned a future with was not going to be with me anymore. I was in induced labor for 27 hours. I finally got an epidural and as soon as the drugs hit me Paige Noelani Rogers who weighed about a pound, was delivered and I passed out. I truly believe that my Heavenly Father helped me not to be with it enough to see them take my precious baby girl out of the room. All I remember is Joe telling me that it was over and then I woke up the next day. When I woke up I just felt empty because my little girl was no longer inside of me. It was truly a sad moment.

When I was discharged from the hospital the nurse came in and handed me something that I will cherish for the rest of my life, two sets of Paige's tiny footprints. They are no bigger than an inch in heigth it is the only tangible thing that I have to remind me of her.

I only saw her once, when we had to bring an outfit up to the funeral home to bury her in. They wrapped her in a beautiful pink blanket that we had picked out when we found out she was a girl. We put the stuffed animal that Joe had picked out for her in her casket and Joe gave her a blessing and a name. I didn't pick her up, she was too little and I was afraid that I would never have been able to let her go if I touched her so I just left her resting in her casket.
The day that I buried her it was just Joe, me and his Uncle and I remember the funeral people telling us that we could leave but we just sat there and watched them until they had put the last shovel of dirt on top of her and that was that, it was finished.
I remember someone in the family telling me that I would see her again and I would be her mother forever and that we have the promise that I will get to raise her one day, and at the time I can remember that those statements felt empty and had no comfort for me. I wanted her now I wanted to raise her here on earth. I didn't want to have to wait to see her first smile, help her take her first steps, kiss her first boo-boo, I wanted all of that now. It took me a long time to realize that it's not what I want that matters, it's what He has in His plans for us that matters.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and the trials that we face are all for our own good.
I don't think of Paige everyday, but when I think of her now I do have the peace to know with a surety that that little girl came to this earth to get a name and a body and that is all she had to come here for. Her work here was finished and I also know that one day I will hold her in my arms, kiss her cheeks and then I will never have to let her go. I am so thankful for the gospel that I have in my life. I am thankful for the trials that I have endured I know that I am a much stronger person for them. I am thankful for the immense blessings that radiate through my life. I am very thankful for my precious son that I do get to raise now in this life and for every little smile and snuggle that he gives me. The Lord has shown me that through my trials I can truly know happiness.
Tonight as I say my prayers I will pray for that little girl and her family and that maybe one day they could be as lucky as I am to know the things that I have been blessed to know, that one day I will hold my little girl in my arms and then I will know the full knowledge of why things are the way that they are.