Thoughts.....

As I sit here alone in the unusual quiet of my living room my mind started to wander and I thought I'd write a couple of thoughts down on the computer to leave them here so I can get a good night's rest.
Last week I celebrated my 30th birthday and I have to admit that this has been a HARD age to turn. I feel like I can no longer be immature without having a number to blame it on, I have always thought of people in their 30's as older, mature people who definitely have accomplished things and know a lot about life, and now that I am here I realize how untrue that statement really is! I mean I have accomplished what I wanted to be in life, a wife and a mother but the rest of those things are pretty foriegn to me.
Friday night I celebrated with a couple of friends. The day of my party I got a bowl down to put some potato salad in and it's a bowl that I don't use often because it is pretty big and gawky but I took it down and wiped the dust off of it because it seems like certain days of the year I miss my parents more than others and holidays are the hardest, just as I got the bowl down Joe came into the kitchen and asked me if I bought that bowl recently because he hadn't ever seen it. I just turned it over without saying anything, on the bottom of the bowl was our wedding date and it was signed with love by my father. I don't use this bowl because it's just one of the few things that I have that he gave me, I mean after all hindsight is 20/20...if I would have had some idea that I wouldn't have him around forever to give me gifts I would've saved every card, every scrap of paper, every telephone message he ever left me so I would have it for days like this, when my heart just aches to hear his voice or have him give me a hug or just to make me laugh.
Yesterday, without thinking, I put the bowl in the dishwasher, when I opened the dishwasher this morning I was devastated to find that my father's handwriting had washed off during the rinse cycle and now I have nothing more than a big, gawky bowl with nothing out of the ordinary to make it a part of him.
I haven't cried about my parents in a long time but today I did, I just let myself cry and it felt good, almost theraputic. I cried for me and I cried for my children, I see my son with his grandmother and I just think to myself how unfair it is for him that he will never know that side of me, he will never know his grandparents and then I look at Anna and I watch my family hold her and I think of all of the babies my mother held over the years and frankly it just sucks that my babies will never be held by her, they will never know her here on this earth, but I just have to remember that we will have eternity with them and I have that promise from my Heavenly Father.
Today I cried for my loss here on earth, but tonight before I lay my head on my pillow I will be thanking my Heavenly Father for the promises that He has made to us, that if we stay faithful and strong we will be together Forever as a family, and for that peace in my heart I am eternally grateful.